Cats will amusingly tolerate humans only until someone comes up with a tin opener that can be operated with a paw.
— Terry Pratchett, Men At Arms

Dear humans who read this thing that Squishy writes

I heard that you were asking after me, this is very grattify- gratiffyi- awesome. I asked her, she lied and said 'no, this is not true, they like me, not you, so shut up you little ferret'. She told me you want to read her boring stuff but I know better, you like words about me, this was proven to me when her and the Opposable Thumbs went away a little while ago and left the computer on. I played on it. I SAW.

Hooray for Osky! 

I am in big trouble though. Can someone tell me what this means, because Squishy is really, REALLY angry with me? 

Dear Ms Matheson
IN PERIOD: 5 MAY - 6 MAY 2015

I heard her on the phone and she was using her mean voice, the kind of voice she uses on the Opposable Thumbs when he has been snoring so loudly that he has almost woken ME up. Then she got off the phone and she started yelling at me, some words I didn't understand about using the interwebs for education, not random surfing, and not being allowed on it unsupervised at any time, did I understand. 

I did not understand, because for a start, why would I use the interwebs for surfing? I don't like water, I'm a cat. Plus how do you get into the screen? I try really hard all the time, and I can't get my paws in, and I want to when I am looking at pictures of mices. I only use the interwebs for looking at lots of funny videos of dogs getting knocked over by cats, and dogs getting smacked up by cats, and dogs getting what's coming to them. 

And pictures of mices. And ordering mices. Because snacks.

Now I am being treated like a prizona - a prisonner - a crim! She watches me all the time, and the Opposable Thumbs has put me on a diet, because he said he can't work it out because I am not getting extra food (haha yes I am) so it must be that I am too fat from being on a line all the time! 

How can you be too fat from being on a line? I don't understand anything.

I am in a world that no longer makes sense. 

I might as well be in jail. Or in the computer being made to surf. That's how bad life is. I don't even get to watch my dog videos anymore.

The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing that people like reading Osky words better than Squishy's stuff. Hers is too many big words and feelings and things that are hard to understand. She needs to watch some videos about cats smacking dogs up, then she will love me more again and see why people want Osky, not her.

It is because I am GREAT. 

If people can please send snacks, and videos of dogs getting beaten up by cats, that would be really good. 

If someone could also explain how they get the water into the interwebs, I would also like that, because I don't want to start surfing all of a sudden. 

Squishy won't ever forgive me, and I like sleeping next to her instead of at the bottom of the bed which is a very bad place. It's cold and there's no face to pat when I want brekky.

Thank you lots and lots. 

PS: Pictures of mices also very much wanted. 

PPS: Actual mices also very much wanted. They do not have to be alive. I am not fussy. Just hungry.

Yours furrily, Osky the Spy Cat.